*The future awaits us~*

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

this sux eh... there is something i want to do, but i cant get it done... right...
zheng lao shi's game is going erm... no where? i just recieved my first letter... and it is very WU LIAO! translated cause this does not support chinese...
"how are u:
i am also fine, actually everyone also good. only sometimes feel stomach no good, no appetite to eat, cant sleep.
but still often feel very good."
~_~ the funny effect wore off already. handwriting so hard to read...
haix... i very bored and no mood study. and yes, i shall flunk my literature test tomorrow...

lonely feelings last a long long long time for me... someone has not understood what i have been hinting. i have difficulties expressing my feelings by writing... so that why...

<|9:28 PM|>

Monday, January 29, 2007

i cant stand people who complain so much when they dont get to do what they want to do, and it is what others were supposed to do. people that expects their parents to protect them in every situation that is not helpful to them. huh huh huh? grow up lor! you cant rely on you parents much longer. so what if your dad is a lawyer? it is WAS not IS! if u say that then i can say my dad is a police lor! (lame) idiots!
wrote the first letter... and i wrote stupid things! dunno what i was thinking at that moment... i even signed off using magi, who doesnt know about my nicknames? hika? magi? magicianist? errr... exceptions for the boys ^^
freaky~ i cant believe i very suay lor! now i need prepare presents for 2 boys... 1 send me letter de, the other is i write to de. so ar... i conclude i have not solved my problem about presents! let me chuck that aside... and i thought i settled it le.
nightmares, freaking dreams that are not real. the last one i had freaked me out and i woke up at around 4am... i only remember something happened in school, someone was talking to me then suddenly got scoldings... then i forgot what happened le, and that was the not exactly creepy part.
its not the best it can get

<|8:10 PM|>

Thursday, January 25, 2007

i dont see whats wrong with voicing my own opinions? fine, if i always get mistaken for even half my sentance, then i might as well keep my mouth shut, and dont talk to anyone. since people often treat whatever i say as trash. even if its true, i seem very bad saying it.
this year is definitely bad... everything i do i get criticised on... whats wrong with being myself? i let people do what they want, i want do also cannot.
i dont talk, people say i proud! i have a habit of folding my arms, people say i acting cool! i say no means no, people say i stubborn and selfish! i walk fast (normal speed), people say i arrogant! i try help as much as i can, i get called a show off!
HOW CAN LIKE THAT!
why cant anyone understand my feelings? i comment on people's actions i get scolded. then i get criticised i never really flare up what. i always eat up the anger... >_<
my anger is expressed through actions... so try to guess how i feel. i dont seem to go around saying much about my feelings to people. if i do, there is some other reasons behind it.
project work is going on and on without the focus on anything yet... changed and changed ideas a couple of times... wonder what will our end result be?
haix... how i wish every day someone would walk out to the bus stop with me, no one seems to do so as they eat lunch at home and not in school. i wish i could eat lunch at home, school food is not very nice at all... no one seems to get it. sigh...

<|9:01 PM|>

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

i suddenly felt so stressed after school today...
my whole hand was hurting after the chinese test lor, i write so hard that the joints that part was all red and swelling after writing, 3 fingers, both joints... >_< then my thumb kena by the window last night... zzz, i dont feel the pain until i started to bowl.
actually i started to feel irritated after school. when 3 teachers told me to tuck in my shirt. ~_~ and so like FINE! i tuck in lor! very irritating de... managed to smile abit before going on the bus.
argh... i came home and dunno started why i still feel depressed... i wish to talk to someone... well, someone. but i cant seem to get into talking anyway...
bad things comes 2 at a time...

<|9:29 PM|>

Monday, January 22, 2007

sux... today totally sux...
i got hit a lot of times today... first joseline banged my head against my table in her over-excited mood. ruisi swung her hand and banged it into my face for dunno what reason, as though she was punching my face. joseline was over-excited and was intending to push me into ryan, instead, she banged me into the door... wth? i got slapped on the back and i want to return the slap, she slap me again... ?!?! i got pulled on my hand and scratchs a few times today too... but of course, no one can leave without getting scratched by me too... ^^
14 feb... yaya... valentine day... aww... lets burst your bubble.
14 feb to me is just another day in the calender... yea, its close to my birthday too... but i say, it is used to celebrate friendships too!
my chinese teacher has this activity for us. it is what i have always been playing this same game for my 6years in primary school, simply fun and exciting. just that this time, we have no fun... people are like knowing who got who lor... crap... ruined the whole thing.
firstly i shall pen write everything on my thrashy paper. but what to write? i dunno leh, what about asking if he still plays maple. that would be cool... then i get a guy to pose as me... errr... very obvious not a boy mah... haha, and there is only a few maplers in my class. so need a better idea... it will be cool if that person cant guess who is writing to him. or more like he is dumb? my handwriting can give me away easily... zzz sick la.
i wonder what actually happened to that sec 1 boy that got knocked down by a car. hope he is okay. it reminds me how i merely got knocked by a car dunno some time back. i turned and only got hit a bit by the side mirrors. that car was speeding and did to beep at people in the way. i suppose that driver believed that the road was owned by him. no one should be in his way...
oh well... that one more freaking day off the calender. i wished i could do something significant... >_<

<|8:36 PM|>

Saturday, January 20, 2007

OMFG! today is one freaky day!
topped up my card at the mrt station first.
i went to pcbunk, felt interested in seeing some people i might know... in the end i did see them and also took part in the competition. haha... 2 tries and i spent $8 on it... man i am so broke now... first game was normal indi 118bpm and damn la, i keep pressing the space anyhow... miss like shit lor. second game was normal indi 99bpm... WTH i could not chain or perfect lor... in the end miss by a very tiny margin, 2k score... the keyboard is freakishly soft and i keep overpressing. small too.
so we went to eat lunch first then go back watch the finals! so tough challenge lor! watched the pros play 188bpm! my favourite song! then while waiting for the results to be out, we went to check out the lucky draw. i said "if i were to win anything, i must be very lucky as i only had 2 coupons and there is so many in that box."
ROFL! i actually was the second to be chosen out of that box. 2k dens for me, so lame and little... i was eye-ing the mp3... sigh. so i believe you can find photographs with me inside online some weeks later... yucks... ~_~
after that i actually played for 2+hours knowing its extremely costly... stupid la, spent $9.60 lor! played 188bpm choreo and sync 8. did my second FM for 188! i totally hated my seat when everytime someone walks past, they will always push my chair de...
RUSHED to visit coach... ward 10D, bed 118 at TTSH. his condition is quite okay le, just that he has another operation tonight. sigh, we can never have him as a coach le... its really very saddening to see him suffer.
i started to remember the sad past, tears welled up in my eyes but i just could not shed a single drop of tear...
haix... went back plaza singapura not happily but the opposite. played a bit of sync 8, rocks la, removed my dull feelings...
thought of going into plaza singapura to have dinner... and so we did, walked past burger king and i spotted walter... then i remembered something i read somewhere and i saw min min next to walter. then i was like... WTH! ryan also there... and so were 2 other jt boys. then i told clara and she shouted to walter then run! walao la... make me run after you. walk one round then go back there to eat... zZzZzZz... seriously i lost my mood to eat and SKIPPED dinner once again... haix.
was taken the escalator back to outside when i saw that group of people walking out. then i ran! for dunno what reason.
thats all...
i wonder y i didnt get a single reply after waiting 1 whole day...
i got TONS of homework and i have simply no time lor... last birthday celebration for my deceased grandpa and after that all is death ann...
then got so many tests this week also... how? i really dont know what to do...
my mood please come back...

<|9:08 PM|>

Friday, January 19, 2007

i start to feel i m weird... just cause i love to play computer games. i played many types, from WOW to CS to MS also... argh, when my teacher said something about girls are more intellectual to do better things then playing computer games, i felt like i was being insulted by her.
ha
games are not really pointless lor, i did learn things.
somehow, its my best way to seek help, especially when there is something i must say out to feel better, so talking to my online friends are better than close ones. i lost trust in the people close to me... rarely do i have my friends being my game buddies, so i really treasure the common interests between us.
bowling is going to suck till dava comes back. we so will miss dava till the day he comes back in march... long, long, time... so chaotic lor! now bowling on tuesday and wednesday... a always loved to have my wednesdays free! its me favourite day of the week! and haix... cant help it... after march is crazy training le... i cant believe tucking in my shirt for bowling, so irritating... cant stand rules...
tomorrow we going to see coach leslie at TTSH but my father want to go... damn sian la, i dont want!!!

<|6:24 PM|>

Thursday, January 18, 2007

some things are puzzling to me... i was thinking about it during literature as we were walking about complications, climax, rising and falling actions.
how i can feel afraid of certain words... i also seem to observe and think too much. less observing could make me less concern of the surroundings.
yesterday when i met my ex-classmates, i started thinking of the past, how i kept feeling pissed when people always love to laugh at my chinese name! so what if my name is huang pin yuan? so what if a singer is also huang pin yuan? its more like laughing at me having a guy's name! totally unfair! i also dont like my name being joan, to people its a boy's name! girls name is jo-an, joanne or something. and teachers always mess up my name calling me joan on some days and jo-an on others... must bear with all these for my whole life.
haix, i did make it a point that if i ever like anyone, i cannot go by looks but character after some very terrible experience...
avoid, avoid, avoid... i wont do it again.

<|4:10 PM|>

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

sigh... i cant get myself to do my homework lor...
-art project (still never clean finish that oil bottle)
-literature summary (I CANT READ FINISH! someone let me copy >_<)
-project work research (chlorine^^)
-geography homework
-D&T research
-learn for ting xie and tests next week (i still holiday mood lol)
-maths worksheet (mr khoo say no need do finish)
anymore? i cant remember le. first 3 all tomorrow must hand in...
i feel very short all of the sudden, i so used to be taller than my friends, but now they all taller than me! damn... i already tallest in the family so like weird...
dunno if anyone realised i cant stand straight... lol. flag raising i keep moving my leg lor. straighten my leg also cannot then cannot squat well lor. pain.
argh, i pon bowling? dunno la, but no one said c div got today lor... ~_~ just heard that coach leslie is in hospital due to some haemorrhage then got something like stroke! aiya, there is this health product that is good for such thing but, coach so like not friendly lor, or so my father said. i dunno lor.
what more to do? better get on to my work, then i can play the new crazy modes for audition...

<|3:05 PM|>

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

haha, i m in one of my good mood again this week. although u keep disturbing me, but at least i wont start scolding u or something. unless u really get on my nerves.
i keep hearing repetive phrases every day, "sian. i wan to sleep." and yes, distractions, the door seat is very easy to get distracted. i just wanted to pay attention in class and study hard. i am working towards the reward at the end of it. a bait to lure me towards studying hard. promises are promises.
study -> get into triple science(though i dont wan) -> play from morning to night during the holidays
i find it so rewarding =crapping keeps me happy, and not worrying about anything, not even homework. hahas, last minute work still works best for me, tests and others need extra time =)
today's maths olympiad screening was not as hard as i thought. some things i was a bit confused la, and i even was so blur that i missed a question. and there was so many cancelling. but i dont really have confidence i did well... ~_~
i dunno why today i feeling weird weird de, like i m relaxing but my heart beating very fast. maybe i need to rest? i never sleep well last night.
the hot weather is back! or maybe just for today...

<|6:50 PM|>

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

i made bigger steps into being more interective =D haha... did something i did not dare to do last time.
today for bowling, there was SOOOOOOOO many sec 1s!!! OMFG LA! they dont know how to bowl and they choose bowling as first choice... failure la... '07 sec 1 batch for bowling is so pathetic. at least i hope they can improve. they are also so disgustingly nerdy! and too guai! >_<
i still deciding to join the maths olympiad class... my SINGLE free day in the week. shouldnt i leave it for projects? or spend all my free time usefully? haix...
the motivational talk thing was so boring... then i was busy with my handphone =) heh... my hand had this pricky feel when i move my wrist. then my knee was weak again... shiat leh, so long never pain like that so long for a long time le... haha, start to be like tian qing the knee le, at least not protruding la...

<|7:43 PM|>

Saturday, January 06, 2007

today the whole sec 2 cohort had to do flag day for thong chai medical institution for CIP. i went off to bugis with yule and joseline. and so we were thinking a lot of people are going parkway so we went bugis... took bus 12 and joseline was like finding is so exciting to sit on the top on the 3 people seat. the new bus...
at bugis any possible spot has people already... so we walked and walked and i suggested to pray. afterall OG should have more people. right, more people = more people from other schools are there. we were not early so... get the point. and then i said more walking to tekka mall. i like to eat ice kachang there xD
really still got loads of people... joseline targetted at someone at the traffic light and the auntie told us to go to the market as there got more people. so blah blah blah and we found good spaces outside tekka centre. after a while we wanted to have a break but yu le dont want. jose and i bought slurpee each and yule continued standing there... we were sitting and resting when yule said the sercurity guard chased her away...
after we finished out slurpee we headed back. deciding what to do and when we want to go back to school.
walked back to bugis and ate at mac. when we were going there we saw ryan tan, yao chang and a few more jt boys walking out... they also saw us. ate our lunch then we went back. sat the same type of bus 12 at same seat ^^ hahas...
when we got back to school jose was enthu about seeing ryan -_-" cant stand her excitment...
my concerns for others are getting a bit far... i dont know which one i m concern more of... sigh, talking to either one is entertaining... sian.

<|8:44 PM|>

Friday, January 05, 2007

so many things to do...
stalking - not my type, i very obvious de... i dont want to lor...
hiding - bad habit but now not so bad. i must not be scared!
wake up - i always want to sleep during class >_<
respond - the part where i always mumble and some teachers actually can hear =x
joke - yea i m too dead...
study - A MUST!
omfg... i hate flag days... and i have to be in sch at 8.45am tomorrow for flag day. geee... where m i supposed to go, who m i with? why do i think so much? WHY???
i really cant figure out... i love my teddy bear (bearbear ryan) and i actually called ryan teddy bear! i dont know what to say mah... jilyn called to ryan saying "ryan your gf is here" and i just pointed to him and said teddy bear! HAHAS! i really find it funny... but thinking of it again makes me feel very weird...
i have been making weird actions like attempting to take a photo without looking at where i aim at. PI? lalala~
i saw tian qing and went "EY TIAN QING!" out loud and wave at him. i was so excited, it felt weird again...
2 different feelings... 2 different people... 2 different characters... 2 different minds... 2 hopes... 0 chances... SIAN! i am hopeless... do i have another way? how i wish... i gave anything a try, i really hope something good will come out from it...
emo.

<|8:03 PM|>

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

sian-ness is overwhelming me, NOT yea-ness... back in a ever so familiar environment... at least first day can come back before 1pm... the sweet kind of feeling of school in me has turned sour. it freaks me out seeing my last year sec 2 seniors in long pants this year! OMG i find them so small! the pants looks bigger than them... lmao! i find them looking so retarded... thats somehow cause i m used to seeing them in shorts... takes some time. i m still waiting to see tian qing in long pants! so funny la he last night, say forget how to wear uniform le need trial before sleeping.
now i shall transform into some zombie and do as i am told... i just dont feel spending so much energy on somethings worthless... some determination is lost, only if someone i `~ tells me to do so. i would make it a point... my oh my... am i really..............

<|7:55 PM|>

Monday, January 01, 2007

this blog is hidden from everyone i know... oh well... 2007, 7 my unlucky number... DAMN!
a new year has began and i hope i can brave through it. *prays* uh-huh... rough year for me. will my friends help me through? or will i solo this and be even more independent? better not be wishful hoping for me.
i must be hardworking this year! first i started on audition... i made sure i perservered my 8k and chancing. nothing is too hard to succeed!
i must also make it a point to improve my bowling, I MUST MAKE IT! i hate being looked down upon...i figured out there is something weird with my bone structure... the higher my backswing is, it points inward, it cant be controlled... haix, when will anyone let me do what i want? why must i do things i dont like to do???
and so... life still has to go on! got to stop all my bad habits... less sacarstic? oh well...
will i survive? we will see about that...

<|9:40 PM|>